I lay back on the window of the bus, staring at you intently. Please say something. You know this could very well be our last chance to look and appreciate each other. I would love to stare a thousand years more, but to waste time puts me both at ease and discomfort. To be so foolish and spend it without exchanging words with each other would drown us in regret. So please. Please say something.

We always dreamt of a perfect reality where we could be together in every season and not be divided by an ocean. To dream of not being looked down upon. I talked about how I would make it a reality one day, and even promised it to you days after we met. It made us feel safe and distracted. We knew we had an expiration date, but the thought of that promise was clouding reality. It gave us comfort. But comfort could only do so much.

Here we are, at that very expiration date. And throughout this entire ride, you have yet to acknowledge me. You would only look out the window to view the ocean. I look out the window too and try to see what you were seeing. The ocean sparked gray and blue. And for some reason you smiled that smile that could never break. You look to be on the verge of tears and it made me wonder if smiling was your only way of expressing how you feel in this moment. I smile back, because it's also the only way I could express how I feel at this moment.

Please look at me. No spoken word could break this silence. I would try but I just stare at you in an attempt to soak up what’s left. You finally stare back at me, and that smile slowly falls as my body freezes and my eyes tear up thinking of what to do. Please don’t look away, as a simple “I love you” or “I’ll miss you.” would never fulfill these last moments in grace, instead accept the water in my eyes as a heartfelt sonnet to you.

It’s cruel. More cruel to me than to you. I could’ve said it to you a million times over, and somehow it would be more painful each time. Because it wouldn’t mean anything after today. I set myself up and now the price I could never afford is coming in a few short moments. I can’t afford to have this feeling. I couldn’t afford to be around any longer.

I take my eyes off of you to witness the gray and blue one last time before we enter the tunnel. We both looked out the window to take it in one last time together, those somber colors mean so much to us, as it will forever be the tone of our time together. Soon it dies and gives in to the cold darkness of the tunnel. I see only a silhouette of you and you see only a silhouette of me. When the light came back I found you staring at me with a blank expression. It dawned onto you. Perhaps when you saw my silhouette you realized that is all I will be soon. A silhouette in your memory and a silhouette in mine.

The bus stops abruptly, nearly missing the stop. The driver yells in your language. Our time is up.

You escort me off the bus and the sound crunching leaves when we step off rings in my ears. I look at you while the wind blows past us, making every sense of my body cold. Please say something. Either I do, or you do. Just please say something. Hopeless in what to do in this worrying moment; our bodies freeze and we are stuck staring at each other. But this time there are no tears to talk for us, nothing will talk for us, only the words that do not exist will. My heart pounds against my chest as I desperately try to find them. I want to tell you so much before you turn to nothing. You shift in discomfort as our eyes are still glued to each other. This tension becomes palpable to the point it suffocates us and my words. The feeling of longing, fear, regret, and hopes finally reveals itself and washes over us. And yet your gaze is stuck onto me. I notice your lips trembling as if the shell hiding your true emotion is finally cracking. You move your lips in an effort to break this silence. You make a faint and broken whisper that resonates.

“I wish…”

Your sentiment is accompanied by dread and sorrow. My heart calms, everything is more still than it was before. The longer I remain silent, the louder your eyes speak. As you choke on your words, I whisper back.

“Me too…”

In this moment we found true comfort. Although we exchanged two words, I know what you said. I can only hope you knew what I said too.

This comfort lasted only seconds, but it felt like forever, and unfortunately you have to go back onto the bus. Once that door closes, it's over. Before you step on you turn around and smile. You mouth something to me, perhaps a secret. I’m unsure of what you mouthed so I just smiled back. You chuckle before finally stepping onto the bus that will depart us. I saw you taking your seat and refusing to look out the window to look at me one last time. You sat with no expression, you’re probably wishing to have that door slam shut. Finally, they grant you that wish, and drive you away. Please look at me one last time while you can.

I stare at the bus as it gets smaller and smaller till it disappears. I realize you will never look at me again.

While I watch you go away, I imagine you got up from your seat to look out the rear window and watch what’s left of my silhouette fade.

Hoping you’ll never see me again.